🔗 Share this article Navigating my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more. Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused. Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know. Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.