🔗 Share this article The Words shared by My Parent That Saved Me as a New Dad "I believe I was simply in survival mode for the first year." Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the difficulties of fatherhood. But the truth soon proved to be "completely different" to his expectations. Life-threatening health complications surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her primary caregiver as well as looking after their baby boy Leo. "I was doing each nighttime feed, every nappy change… each outing. The job of mother and father," Ryan explained. After eleven months he reached burnout. It was a talk with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he required support. The direct statement "You're not in a good place. You require support. How can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and start recovering. His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. Although people is now better used to talking about the strain on mothers and about PND, less is said about the difficulties new fathers face. 'It's not weak to request support' Ryan believes his challenges are linked to a broader inability to open up between men, who still hold onto harmful notions of masculinity. Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and doesn't fall every time." "It isn't a display of failure to request help. I didn't do that fast enough," he adds. Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're finding things difficult. They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - most notably in front of a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental well-being is equally important to the household. Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the opportunity to request a break - taking a short trip abroad, away from the domestic setting, to see things clearly. He understood he needed to make a shift to consider his and his partner's emotions alongside the day-to-day duties of looking after a newborn. When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words. Reparenting yourself' That realisation has transformed how Ryan sees fatherhood. He's now penning Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he matures. Ryan believes these will help his son better understand the expression of emotion and interpret his approach to fatherhood. The idea of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old. During his childhood Stephen lacked stable male guidance. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, long-standing trauma meant his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, complicating their connection. Stephen says suppressing feelings caused him to make "bad choices" when he was younger to alter how he was feeling, finding solace in alcohol and substances as an escape from the hurt. "You turn to things that aren't helpful," he notes. "They can briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will ultimately cause more harm." Advice for Getting By as a New Father Share with someone - when you are swamped, tell a trusted person, your spouse or a counsellor what you're going through. Doing so may to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone. Keep up your interests - continue with the things that helped you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. This might be playing sport, socialising or gaming. Look after the physical health - nutritious food, getting some exercise and when you can, sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is faring. Spend time with other first-time fathers - listening to their journeys, the difficult parts, and also the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling. Understand that asking for help does not mean you've failed - looking after you is the optimal method you can care for your family. When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the loss, having had no contact with him for years. Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead provide the stability and nurturing he did not receive. When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the frustrations safely. Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they confronted their pain, altered how they express themselves, and learned to regulate themselves for their sons. "I am now more capable of… sitting with things and dealing with things," states Stephen. "I wrote that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I expressed, on occasion I feel like my role is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning just as much as you are through this experience."
"I believe I was simply in survival mode for the first year." Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the difficulties of fatherhood. But the truth soon proved to be "completely different" to his expectations. Life-threatening health complications surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her primary caregiver as well as looking after their baby boy Leo. "I was doing each nighttime feed, every nappy change… each outing. The job of mother and father," Ryan explained. After eleven months he reached burnout. It was a talk with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he required support. The direct statement "You're not in a good place. You require support. How can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and start recovering. His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. Although people is now better used to talking about the strain on mothers and about PND, less is said about the difficulties new fathers face. 'It's not weak to request support' Ryan believes his challenges are linked to a broader inability to open up between men, who still hold onto harmful notions of masculinity. Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and doesn't fall every time." "It isn't a display of failure to request help. I didn't do that fast enough," he adds. Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're finding things difficult. They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - most notably in front of a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental well-being is equally important to the household. Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the opportunity to request a break - taking a short trip abroad, away from the domestic setting, to see things clearly. He understood he needed to make a shift to consider his and his partner's emotions alongside the day-to-day duties of looking after a newborn. When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words. Reparenting yourself' That realisation has transformed how Ryan sees fatherhood. He's now penning Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he matures. Ryan believes these will help his son better understand the expression of emotion and interpret his approach to fatherhood. The idea of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old. During his childhood Stephen lacked stable male guidance. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, long-standing trauma meant his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, complicating their connection. Stephen says suppressing feelings caused him to make "bad choices" when he was younger to alter how he was feeling, finding solace in alcohol and substances as an escape from the hurt. "You turn to things that aren't helpful," he notes. "They can briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will ultimately cause more harm." Advice for Getting By as a New Father Share with someone - when you are swamped, tell a trusted person, your spouse or a counsellor what you're going through. Doing so may to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone. Keep up your interests - continue with the things that helped you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. This might be playing sport, socialising or gaming. Look after the physical health - nutritious food, getting some exercise and when you can, sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is faring. Spend time with other first-time fathers - listening to their journeys, the difficult parts, and also the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling. Understand that asking for help does not mean you've failed - looking after you is the optimal method you can care for your family. When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the loss, having had no contact with him for years. Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead provide the stability and nurturing he did not receive. When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the frustrations safely. Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they confronted their pain, altered how they express themselves, and learned to regulate themselves for their sons. "I am now more capable of… sitting with things and dealing with things," states Stephen. "I wrote that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I expressed, on occasion I feel like my role is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning just as much as you are through this experience."